Urban Coolness vs. Urban Awkwardness

Lately I have noticed how much I fit into the urban/artsy scene. I am also realizing that as much as I fit in anywhere, other people seem to belong more than I do. I haven't ever been the sort to stick to one sort of people, black kids, white kids, nerds, artsy folks, musical/band people, jocks, emos, goths.. I like them all.

In my group of friends, there are two or three groups.
The kids who do all of the musical stuff like multiple choirs the plays etc etc. These are the 'good kids'. Obviously in a non-offensive way, or I would not like them. These are the kids you want to hate, but you can't, they are just too adorable and nice. The ones who will be nice on the first day of school to the end of your time together. The ones who are genuinely kind.

Then there are the urban/ artsy types. These are the kids who will be in art classes every year. They do photography, watercolors, acrylics, graphite whatever. They do it all.

If you compare their spiritual walk types, you will see how they blend as well as contrast. The musical types are more likely to sing or talk about God. And Gos as a personal friend or Father. The artsy types will show you God. Either through nature or the highlight on a face or something that pulls at the core of your being.

Both are equally cool.

I feel like I should say, before you read the next part that I am still on my journey to finding who I am, it may sound like there are angry undertones, but I am really just trying to organize my thoughts.

In some ways, I wish I cold be like the happy-go-lucky musical kids, always smiling and talking about God's love and promises. You know the ones, they just seem lit from the inside out. On the inside, I know I can never be like this. My personality just will not allow me to be positive all the time. I don't know if I need the balance or what.

Most of the time, I envy the artsy types. They do not concern themselves with perfecting stuff, they see the beauty in the imperfect and grimy. They are definitely willing to throw an arm around you and let you know that you are loved and that they know what it's like. It is mostly easier to believe them when they say things like that more than it is the good types, because it is hard to imagine some people as having ever struggled for anything but grades.

I also need to make PERFECTLY CLEAR that no one group is better than the other, they are just different. And often times, they are friends. It's just how it is.

I find myself slipping into the mode that my best will never be good enough. That as hard as I try and as good as I think something of mine is, I see someone else's project or paper or whatever and I am still just a few points behind. I am certain that it is my Adversary out to get me, but I know we've all reached the point that just knowing isn't good enough: we need something with substance. The only metaphor I can come up with is that I am underwater breathing through a straw, whilst everyone else is hooked up to oxygen machines.

Things will get better, they always do.

Love
Liz

Listening to: A cricket that got stuck under my dryer, I finally had enough and took the poor fellow outside.

Reading: As I Lay Dying, still. Ugh.